The 12 steps of Cleaning the Bathroom

  1. I came to believe my Bathroom had become unmanageable and that I was powerless over its current condition. (I forced myself to admit my bathroom was a disaster area– to the point of possibly seeking FEMA funding).
  2. I came to believe that a higher power could restore the bathroom to something better than what you would find at a gas station in Nebraska. (I called this higher power “Mr. Clean”).
  3. I made a decision to turn the task of cleaning the bathroom over to Mr. Clean as I understood him. (I was even willing to wear a mask of some sort to prevent his vapors from affecting me).
  4. I made a fearless inventory of just how bad things had gotten:
    1. The bathtub. I think it’s white. Right now, there are parts of it that are white. Soap-scum, rusty hard-water accumulation. The glass doors are no frosted but they look like they are.
    2. The sink. Toothpaste, used or not, when it dries leaves a protective but ugly coating.
    3. The toilet. Who the fuck wants to clean that? Only guys look at it anyway, and that is in the process of adding to the mess via splatter.
    4. The floor. Nice tile, but the guy who installed it did not put in a good subfloor, so it’s cracked, and even broken in places. Nice nooks for crusties to lurk in. Even Mr. Clean can’t do anything about that. Since we have dogs, we have dust bunnies in the corners.
    5. The mirror. Water spots and fingerprints.
    6. The walls and ceiling. Dust and cobwebs. Almost all dust in the home is dried human dander.
  5. I admitted to myself and my wife that I had fucked up and let things go too long. (Like she needed to be told, but then “her” bathroom downstairs make the one I clean look like a photo layout from House Beautiful– so there).
  6. I was ready to have Mr. Clean remove all the defects of cleanliness in the bathroom.
  7. I humbly asked Mr. Clean to remove all the dirt.
  8. I made a list of everyone who had used the bathroom in its current condition and prepared myself to make amends to them. (I arranged for them to be vaccinated at their convenience at a nearby clinic).
  9. I made direct amends to the aforementioned people, except for those anti-vaxxers who should have their heads examined.
  10. I kept an inventory of the state of the bathroom and committed to promptly clean each area as it became disgusting.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
    Mr. Clean, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me
    and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I tried to
    carry this message to other slobs (hey– don’t judge, assess!), and to practice these principles even in the kitchen, if necessary.
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