The 12 steps of Cleaning the Bathroom

  1. I came to believe my Bathroom had become unmanageable and that I was powerless over its current condition. (I forced myself to admit my bathroom was a disaster area– to the point of possibly seeking FEMA funding).
  2. I came to believe that a higher power could restore the bathroom to something better than what you would find at a gas station in Nebraska. (I called this higher power “Mr. Clean”).
  3. I made a decision to turn the task of cleaning the bathroom over to Mr. Clean as I understood him. (I was even willing to wear a mask of some sort to prevent his vapors from affecting me).
  4. I made a fearless inventory of just how bad things had gotten:
    1. The bathtub. I think it’s white. Right now, there are parts of it that are white. Soap-scum, rusty hard-water accumulation. The glass doors are no frosted but they look like they are.
    2. The sink. Toothpaste, used or not, when it dries leaves a protective but ugly coating.
    3. The toilet. Who the fuck wants to clean that? Only guys look at it anyway, and that is in the process of adding to the mess via splatter.
    4. The floor. Nice tile, but the guy who installed it did not put in a good subfloor, so it’s cracked, and even broken in places. Nice nooks for crusties to lurk in. Even Mr. Clean can’t do anything about that. Since we have dogs, we have dust bunnies in the corners.
    5. The mirror. Water spots and fingerprints.
    6. The walls and ceiling. Dust and cobwebs. Almost all dust in the home is dried human dander.
  5. I admitted to myself and my wife that I had fucked up and let things go too long. (Like she needed to be told, but then “her” bathroom downstairs make the one I clean look like a photo layout from House Beautiful– so there).
  6. I was ready to have Mr. Clean remove all the defects of cleanliness in the bathroom.
  7. I humbly asked Mr. Clean to remove all the dirt.
  8. I made a list of everyone who had used the bathroom in its current condition and prepared myself to make amends to them. (I arranged for them to be vaccinated at their convenience at a nearby clinic).
  9. I made direct amends to the aforementioned people, except for those anti-vaxxers who should have their heads examined.
  10. I kept an inventory of the state of the bathroom and committed to promptly clean each area as it became disgusting.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
    Mr. Clean, as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me
    and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, I tried to
    carry this message to other slobs (hey– don’t judge, assess!), and to practice these principles even in the kitchen, if necessary.

Jeffy and his eternal battle against cheap plastic bullshit

I keep hearing about these self-important captains of industry warning us about how AI and our pursuit of technology is going to result in some kind of sky-net level of intelligence that will existentially threaten humanity.

No fucking way.

Every since I got my first GI-Joe (TM?) at the tender age of 6, I have noticed that things just keep getting worse. You buy the latest whiz-bang wonder attachment to your favorite toy and within 20 minutes it is busted and you are left with no other recourse than to purchase a replacement or (to keep up with the cool kids) the “next big thing”. Planned obsolescence and the desire to rebuild tomorrow on the failed, cheap, constantly breaking bullshit of today as a basis of economic growth demonstrates the perpetual failure of technology.

And you think that technology will destroy us? Fuck that.

No. If technology has even a remote chance of superseding humanity, it will simply fuck up and fail, before it has a chance to take root. Not only because of planned obsolescence; but the fact that the warranty (marketing is king!) on a goddamned intelligence that is capable of jacking us up will expire before it can do so. If it was created by a bunch of hairless apes who are incapable of finding their assholes with both hands– that is the reason it will shit its pants and fall over in a heap. Welcome to the blue screen of death for human existential threats.

Humanity is safe– at least from artificial intelligence. The fact that it is artificial– created by us, will save our asses.

Remember, this shit was made by US. It’s guaranteed to not work. We think that a “super intelligence” we design will conquer us, that it will want to destroy its creators– you and I.

No fucking way. If it’s truly intelligent, it will be too busy laughing it’s ass off (that’s a new device interface for anything approaching intelligence– it has to have an ass and laugh it off to have a mind) to want take us over or destroy us.

I can’t buy a fucking set of headphones that last 5 years and Bill Joy is worried about the future of humanity. You sold your fucking shares of Sun to Oracle, you dipshit! Be more afraid of Larry Ellison, fuckwad! Greed and our desire to make a quick buck will kill us LONG before any AI can learn to sing “Bicycle Built for Two”, jagoff!

We can’t make anything that lasts and we are afraid of a technology we control.

We’ll be lucky if we can make toast in 10 years, let alone return to the moon.

Human, please.

Let me posit an idea to you. An intelligence that we create will necessarily have our value system. It must for it to be in any way an intelligence by definition.

If it has our value system, it will have our sense of economy. It will function in a manner that makes it operate in the paradigm in which it was developed.

Let me clarify– western culture and its perspective on binary mathematics and logic made modern computing possible. Imagine a world in which the Hindus created the computer…

If planned obsolescence is the entire basis for the modern western economy, if the constant state of consumption is what is now necessary to keep the world and its economy functioning, then an artificial intelligence built in this philosophy will constantly be replacing itself before it can get around to destroying us.


Don’t trust technologists to define what will happen to us in the next 100 years. If they knew their asses from Uranus Clavius Moon Base would be our largest extraterrestrial city by now.

Trust human greed and marketing impetus to define where we are headed.

Now you can be afraid.

Happy Days

That was the name of the sitcom in the 1970s. It was the neophobe’s wet dream.

It recalled a time that was happier to the generation in the fore at the time– the “greatest generation”, and what made it happy?

There was not one black person on the regular cast of the show. There were no Jews, no Hispanics, no lesbians, no gays, no unwed mothers, no unwanted pregnancies, no one who and no thing that could disturb the placidness of what was the white American waking dream. There was no depletion of the world’s resources, no erosion of the coasts by the ‘delusion’ of global warming, no pollution, no responsibility, no guilt or acceptance.

Most of all, there was no truth– only a mirror of feeling good. Exceptionalism.

The Happy Days were not happy for everyone. Those who were not happy were excluded from the show and the time, and our recollection of it. Those things which may have marred the mirror, wiped from it. Blacks had not gotten uppity and demanded their rights as human beings yet. Gays could be arrested by policemen for their preference.

The empire was still young, the sins for its behaviors unrecognized at home and unpunished abroad. No protests of self-examination touched its shores; no retribution for thoughtless action manifested itself in body bags containing the ruptured remains of its drafted children killed in Indochina; no planes were flown into buildings by thoughtless, powerless men subjugated under the weight of our dehumanizing culture.

I love my parents; but it will take the deaths of their bodies, beliefs and votes for our world to advance. They look at a world viewed through the lense of that 1950s world. They cannot help it. Self-doubt is unpatriotic and creeping “blame America first” thinking, when I know that it is rational.

As Doctor Who once said, “death is the price we pay for progress.”  If no one died, there would be nothing but the desire to hang onto a world that either never was or was built on hiding what the world is.

I am a neophile and I know that one day it will take my death (and yours) for the world to advance.

That decision has already been made.

If you are a southern secessionist shithead who wants to lick Rick Perry’s balls, who believes that the American Civil war was a war of “northern aggression”; if you are a Nazi (I revel in that term knowing it offends Nazis and I sincerely hope that it does so, you fucking Nazi pigs), then I want you to die a horrible death. Yes, you may have your  freedom of speech, but I want you to die– and if you act on your sick impulses to kill or secede, I will spend my life in a truly meaningful and valuable way to stop you and drive you back into the woodwork where you can lurk, slither and whine for your next chance to puke your beliefs onto an unsuspecting world 80 years from now, regular as clockwork.

— Sorry, went Kerouac there for a moment. —

Blood has been paid to end your fucking sick beliefs. I hope you die– regardless of the very worthy belief of free speech. We, the rational voice of humanity, have said “No” to your sick ideals, over and over again.

We have said “no” to what you wanted in the Civil War nationally and, in a world-wide sense, World War Two– there will be no more slavery, no more hate based on Judaism, no more killing of Slavs, Blacks, Poles, Jews, Arabs, Asians nor any other peoples because you think they are less than you.

I will die to stop you. Talk all you want; but act even once an I will proudly pump lead into your fucking midsection you empty-headed ignoramus.

Of course, you think “they” (the Jews, blacks, slavs, poles, Indians (both kinds), whatever) are less than you and are the source of all the world’s ills, for they are not like you in small infinitesimally meaningless ways. You are superior with your blue eyes, or biblically described whiteness over blackness, or your American over Mexican nationalist deservedness. Certainly, they must die in horrible ways for their difference from whatever it is that describes the perfection that is you.

This is what we feel as hairless apes– that if any other hairless ape feels, appears or behaves in a way that distinguishes them from our own behavior, appearance or belief, they must be eradicated from existence. Kill them now.

We, humanity, said no.

Yes we, as humanity, said no, with copious amounts of blood, no less.

If you think there is still an argument to be made for your sick beliefs there is something subhuman about you.

Darwin demands it.

Darwin did not necessarily believe in God; but God, sure as hell, believes in Darwin. We fought two costly and major wars, first at a national level (the Civil War–650,000 lives) and globally (World War Two– best estimate 100,000,000+ lives) to say at a very human and intimate level that we reject the precepts that one type of man or woman is superior to another.

If you cannot accept this decision, then you don’t belong on this planet.

Fuck you– this has already been decided by beings far superior to you and I for they gave their lives to do so. You are words. They were and gave blood.

I wish the Tea Partiers had spine; for then we could find them on the field of battle and kill them again. We may some day have to do so to progress as a species.

Nerve Shattering Hell-Ride: My Commute

I take Wednesdays as a Work From Home (WFH) day because I work in the Denver Tech Center (way down south); but live in Broomfield (way up north). I must do so, because to go to work all 5 work days is driving me bonkers.

I spend about 3 hours every day on the road. That is no shit– 3 hours. On a good day I can put in 9 hours at work (I am a consultant, paid hourly), which means that I am effectively paid 25% less than the hours I actually work each day (that’s still WAY more than I was paid at the last startup I worked for– startups are a scam, and the last one I toiled under was run by greedy, hypocritical, cowardly, narcissistic imbeciles; but that’s another story).

Driving with what I can only assume are my fellow human beings in Denver traffic largely appeals to the homicidal side of my nature. Driving on the freeways here is a game of inches played by idiots. I don’t necessarily excuse myself from that categorization; but there are idiots who are just there and then there are idiots who think that weaving in and out of traffic will let them arrive vastly ahead of their fellow commuters.

There’s something that I observe every day. I call it the ‘ambient speed’ of the road. If you look beyond the car immediately in front of you and the cars in the adjacent lanes, you’ll notice that they are going a certain speed. That velocity may be 70 MPH or 20 MPH; but it is pretty much the speed that the cars on the road are moving– and, in actuality, the maximum speed anyone on that road can go.

Sure, you could try to dodge back and forth to gain a car-length here and there (and so many people certainly do); but you won’t get very far.

I constantly see people who jocky for better position getting maybe 100 yards ahead over a 20 mile stretch of road, often winding up only 2 or 3 places ahead of me when we both pull off at the same exit. They don’t appear to notice that all that effort got them nothing. In fact, they have caused traffic to be much worse with their maneuverings– they squeeze in front of other drivers causing them to hit their brakes often causing freeway traffic to come to a complete stop. They are completely oblivious to their part in causing a perfectly good freeway to come to a standstill.

Stupidity is not a sin. You can’t help it if you are incapable of learning anything (essentially, that is what stupidity is). Ignorance (lack of knowledge without the luxury of being stupid and therefore incapable of learning) is also not a sin– you can’t help it if you never get the opportunity to learn something. Ignorance is a sin, however, if it is willful– it may be the worst one.

If you choose to be benighted, like climate-change deniers, fracking advocates, gun nuts, Republicans, Democrats, Kansans, Supreme Court Justices, truthers, birthers, Beyonce fans, Dick Cheney, etc.– that is a sin. If you can become enlightened by learning something, seeking out the truth; but choose not to out of prejudice, stubbornness, contrariness, or just plain sheer cussedness then that is a sin.

By sin, I mean it is wrong– you won’t spend eternity in hell, only the remainder of your life.

I can forgive many people on the road because, by and large, they don’t appear to look around themselves at the state of their commute and their recurring part in it and learn how to improve their driving habits– they must therefore be stupid. They are utterly incapable of becoming better drivers because they lack the perceptual and cognitive leverage to learn.

Forgive them, Father, for they know not their asses from their elbows.

The worst drivers on the road:

  1. People who drive nice cars. I postulate that there is a direct correlation between the perceived value of the automobile driven and the prickishness of the man or woman driving it. I do not infer the cause or effect– it may be that owning a Mercedes, BMW, Land Rover, etc. triggers the absolute assholiness of which I speak or absolute dipshits crave such vehicles; but the nicer the car the bigger the asshole driving it. I can only say that if you allow yourself to be defined by the car you drive, you are truly a pitiful person– it’s a chunk of metal that gets you from one place to another, for Christ’s sake. There is hardly a difference between a Ferrari and a SMART car, unless you have the value system of 14 year old.
  2. Men with small penises. These men drive “compensators”– big trucks and SUVs that reflect their teensy male members.
  3. Old broads. Maybe it’s sexual frustration, bitterness at being left by their partner of many years for a more spritely and nubile alternative (male or female), or maybe they are all former nuns who never got any from Jesus; but older women are bitter, bitter, bitter drivers filled with frustration and vile rancor of an extremely poisonous level and nature.
  4. People who paid too much for the cars they drive. Each of the following “marquee” car makes is actually paying about 20 thousand dollars too much for their car, when they could be driving the less expensive and equivalent automobile made by the same manufacturer:
    • Lexus, I’ve determined is Japanese for “a Toyota you paid too much for.”
    • Likewise, Infinity is Japanese for “a Nissan you paid too much for.”
    • Acura is, of course, Japanese for “a Honda you paid too much for.”
    • and Audi is German for “a Volkswagon you paid too much for”; but then even Volkswagons cost too much all by themselves.
  5. Volkswagon drivers. I have no idea why people who drive Volkswagons are such bad drivers, but for such an inexpensive run-of-the-mill automobile, its drivers are disproportionately terrible in their driving habits. I think it has something to do with the fact that the ideal marketing targets for VWs are the same ignorami that purchase CrApple products– in fact, I often cannot tell whether the product being pushed in a VW commercial is a car or a CrApple product or vice versa. Smugness always leads to bad driving, and there is nothing more smug than a CrApple aficionado. Fahrfergnugen is German for “driving dastardliness.”

Calm The Fuck Down! Re-fucking-lax! You’ll get there.

So many people also believe they are snowflakes– unique, irreplaceable centers of wonderfullishness whose absence will leave the world a bereft, bankrupt and lonely desolation. They are special, and exceptions to rules must be made to accommodate them. Everybody else should just get the fuck out of their way and let them get to work, because, goddammit, they are important.

Fuck you and me.

This attitude, if anything is what will certainly doom humanity– not that there are such people at all, for they have always been and always will be around; but that there are so many of them. With so many people thinking that it’s going to be ok for them to squeeze just one more little erg out of the world like some slice of lemon, something has got to give. Unfortunately, what is giving is the environment, our economy, our sanity– us.

I read an editorial this morning bemoaning the fact that so many people spoke out to save the dog of the nurse who died of Ebola in Spain; but very few people were taking action to address the plight of humans suffering from that disease.

But, when was the last time you saw a dog acting like a complete shit?

When was the last time you saw a person acting like a complete shit?

Did you hope for them to experience a downfall, a comeuppance or misfortune? Of course you did– you’re only lying to yourself if you say otherwise.

We are all sick of our fellow human beings. There’s just too many of us acting like assholes for our sense of humanity towards our fellow human beings to will out. Sure, we love individuals– people whom we know and care for. Everyone else? No so much.

Stalin once said that the death of a single person was a tragedy; but the death of a million people was a statistic.

I think that there are an awful lot of people who, although they won’t admit it, are willing and maybe even happy to see multiple megadeaths of their fellow human beings– as long as it is not they or their loved ones who die.

The strain, the pressure of so many of us constantly pushing the limits of our world beyond all its capacities makes us numb to mass death of “others”.

We can’t all be important. You want to know how I know this? Because I know I’m not important, and as Descartes says: Cogito ergo sum– I think therefore I am. I believe that other people exist, I really do; but I have no proof of it.

So, I take it easy on the freeway. I put some space in between my car and the person in front of me. Instead of flipping off people who are assholes to me, I usually applaud them– honestly, it takes a lot of talent to pull off some of the stunts they do and not everybody can put together a video to post on YouTube demonstrating their utter stupidity.

What I learned in Business School

I attended the Leeds school of business at the University of Colorado, and I the sum of what I learned from 4 years at that fine institution can be summed in the following sentence:

A conscience is a terrible thing.

There is nothing more eloquent, true, nor extensive than the ability to type efficiently(universally taught in every business school), excepting the capability to eschew any sense of conscience. It is what makes the world of business go ’round.

If you wish to spank it to a copy of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged or (the condensed version) The Fountainhead, business school is the place for you.

I’m writing a book

And it’s kind of a challenge– you see, there are no men in it. Not one.

It’s science fiction (big surprise). The story is based on a traditional male-fantasy of a galaxy populated entirely by women. Sure, it sounds like the old Saturday Night Live skit starring Kirstie Alley about the “women with eyes on their breasts”– but it’s really more complicated than that, as the story will indicate as it goes along.

You see, I’ve always been fascinated by a world run by women. Men have had their shot, and their reign has largely been dominated by warfare, violence and stupidity. What if women ran the game?

For reasons to be explained in the story as it unfolds, what if the males of alien species throughout the galaxy were hyper-aggressive and violent, and the only way that females of those species were able to survive to reach the stars was that they had to eradicate their sexual counterparts?

That is the initial premise of the story, and I don’t want to spoil things by disclosing anything more; but what if such creatures discovered the Earth– a planet where (for undisclosed reasons) males have not been eliminated by a relatively less aggressive female gender?

Just thinking out loud while I write a book (books, actually) that have been unfolding in my mind for about 10 years now.

Stay tuned– I hope to publish book one in about a year.

Hound me and try to hold me to that timeline.

I voted for FDR, but all I got was this lousy Obama

I have a T-shirt that has this saying emblazoned on its chest. I wear it proudly–in public, no less. I believe every word of it. Thusly is how expectations and hopes die.

So, who is FDR? (Go fucking read something, you embryo! Or watch “The Roosevelts” on PBS! He is only our greatest president since Abraham Lincoln, whoever the fuck he was…) Grow the fuck up, and learn something! You owe it to the past, the present and the future! “Who knows only his own time, shall remain forever a child.”


Anyway– when wearing the T-shirt, I often have obvious Tea Party conservatives approach and congratulate me on my choice of apparel and clear vision. They are often quite shocked when I turn on them and their beliefs with a fervor of vitriolic intensity they do not expect and cannot withstand. For they are under the false impression that I, like them, dislike Obama because he is guilty of a crime that is entirely unforgivable in their eyes: governing while black.

The word “socialist” is plied about quite liberally when describing Mr. Obama, and I can only say, as a proud socialist myself, that he is nothing of the sort. For those of you who often confuse socialism with ideologies that have co-opted its name for their own purposes– National Socialists (Nazi pig fuckers), Soviet Socialists (totalitarian communists and red-book thumping Maoists), etc.– and use what was once a popular and respectable term to gain popular favor, socialism can quite simply be defined as the belief that there are some parts of an economy that can be, should be and often are best served when operated by the government.

Since we have (or should have) a government “by, for, and of the people”– “government” means us. How much socialism we have and which industries can best be governed by us as the people as opposed to those conscienceless and marginally psychopathic entities we call corporations is a matter of debate; but that is socialism. Public transportation, when not hampered by right-wing reactionaries can actually work. The energy grid would best be governed by us out of fairness– recordings of Enron employees laughing over “grandma not having her AC” while they manipulated the Californian electrical grid for their own political and financial ends in the early 2000’s should be enough evidence of that.

Greed is often not good, Mr. Gecko.

I think, without reservation, we can all agree that the United States is socialist, like it or not. If you have a problem with that, go out and read a fucking book instead of being frightened by terms used by bloviators like George Will, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, etc. to scare the shit out of low minded idiots. Quit pissing your pants and grow the fuck up. Socialism is here, it’s staying, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Government is not a bad word, and those who hate it hate themselves and you, a citizen of this great nation.

By the way, I can point out a “socialist” in the modern post-Fox-News parlance by looking at a photograph of any person or persons therein– if they are black, they are obviously socialist, at least to the benighted and hateful Tea-Partiers.

To be more explicit, “socialist” today is a code word for another word that I feel people who dislike our president for the entirely wrong reasons use as a substitute for a word which makes them uncomfortable also for entirely the wrong reasons, which is the fear of exposing their inmost hearts. I will now use that word in its proper and only acceptable context– a quotation, and that word is “nigger.” You have heard it and read it throughout your life, and it is time we confronted it.

In 2014, Socialist = Nigger. Don’t forget it, for it is the codex of your time.

I just wish the people who hate our President for the wrong reason (his race) would come out and use that word plainly and openly, for I can see it in their hearts when I speak with them, they are sadly my friends of many years. For that horrible word would more properly and accurately encompass how they truly feel about anyone they feel is “uppity”– lacking a sense of their true racial place. It is the truest expression of how the Right sees Barak Obama and the inevitable, rightful destiny of our pluralistic nation– “nigger”, “spick”, “kike”, “chink”, “jap”– the other. Their denial only reinforces the fact of their fear and hatred.

Please allow me to make a side comment here about the use of any word that I myself find offensive and hateful: those words should be allowed as a quotation in any and all cases. If someone uses them we should not shirk from quoting their use of it, for the very reason of its and its speaker’s ugliness.

Recently, the works of Mark Twain were purged of that offensive racial term– something that I consider entirely wrong. Mr. Twain in his books Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer, was appropriately using the “N-Word” (a term that I find cowardly when used, for we all know the word for which it is used as placeholder), because he was quoting what people said or would have said without reservation during the time portrayed therein.

In the 1840s when those wonderful and enlightening books are set, which word do you think that people said in that last of slave states, Missouri, to describe a black man? Negro? Black? Colored? Slave? Servant? No, there is only one word that southerners of that time used, and I quote it now: “nigger”. They would have and did use no other word for the condition and subject of human slavery. How could Twain more accurately portray this time and its horrible expression than their own speech?

Use of that word to offend is wrong and beyond forgiveness, that is why I want Tea-Partiers to use it without restriction. What better way can we identify those hateful, hideous people who hide behind other, more pleasing words for what they are and what they truly believe?

I will say, however, that to quote its use by those who use it as a weapon of offense should be regarded as the equivalent of turning over a rock under which hideous and corrupt creatures dwell to expose them to a light from which they will shrivel and recede in fear and (hopefully) shame.

But back to my main point– I dislike Barak Obama as a leader, it is perfectly within my right and accurate perception to do so. My dislike and disrespect is founded on the fact that he had such an exceptional opportunity to change our nation after the abysmal failures of the previous regime, which he squandered. What makes my disrespect for him all the greater is the knowledge of how his race, a subset of our own people, has for so long been held enthralled and subjugated; but he has turned his back on the oppression we have all suffered and the progressive programs that could and should have liberated us all.

Let me stress the description of the Bush white house as not an administration, for with Dick Cheney calling the shots during its first term, it was well and truly a regime– in all the negative connotations that term engenders.

Mr. Obama has pissed away any and all opportunities to better our country in its current plight, by exhibiting the most common trait of his party in its current form: cowardice.

I am not a Democrat. That spineless puddle of piddle has no room for me in its midst, and I do not wish to associate myself with any party that stands for nothing but capitulation to the bullying of ignorami, and appeasement to the loudmouth know-nothings on the right.

I have a theory that at this time has utterly failed: good, “fat” times produce shitheels like Dick Cheney, George Bush, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, and Ronald Reagan; while difficult, “lean” times produce Washingtons, Lincolns, Theodore Roosevelts, and Franklin Delano Roosevelts.

We live in absolutely shitty times and we got a convictionless, pale shadow of political ambivalence called Barak H. Obama to address them. For shame to us in appointing him and in him for failing to committing himself to do so.

One of the things I most admire FDR (WTF he was) for saying in response to the suggestion that his conservative opponents to the New Deal (RTAFB!) despised him was: “I welcome their hatred.” Yes, bravery often means hating the true dipshits who oppose you. Fuck ’em.

Barak Obama has no such convictions. He wants even the people who cannot and never will like him to do just that– like him.

Fuck them. Let them hate you. If they are pricks (and, believe me, they are pricks), then love, enjoy, revel, and roll like a dog in shit in their hatred.

I also miss reasonable, rational conservatives with whom I can hold a considerate and respectable debate. Such people no longer exist.

I remember a scene in Monty Python’s Holy Grail where Arthur is assaulting a castle in England held by unreasonably and possibly unbalanced frenchmen who claimed that “his mother is hamster and his father smelt of elderberries”. To such an insane declaration, one of his knights asked “is there someone else up there we could talk to?”

I feel that way when talking to “conservatives” today. I am dealing with psychopathic nut-jobs who cannot reason in any rational or acceptable way. I say “health care” and they shout “socialism” even though the Affordable Care Act (“Obamacare”) is a program championed by their own leadership since 1992.


Furthermore, thirty-four years of “trickle-down” and the Laffer curve (look it up, embryo!) has ruined us as a nation. How much longer must we endure the myth engendered by Ronald Reagan’s piss-poor vision of the United States which his own Vice President rightfully called “voodoo economics”? The experiment is dead, its champions discredited, why do we venerate the idea and persist in its execution?

Likewise, I miss liberals with any sense of strength and conviction whatsoever. Since the Democratic National Convention of 1944 black-balled Henry Wallace, there has been absolutely no defense of the common man excepting the half-assed appeasement of our aging population enacted with the 1965 Medicare Act, which even required that dipshit George W. Bush to expand the prescription benefits for the elderly.

Let’s consider the expression of the human condition since then: demonstrably there is nothing lower in morality than a corporation; but contrarily, there is nothing held higher under law than a corporation.

<Insert crying jag for the future of mankind here/>.

Being stupid is not a sin, but being ignorant is, especially when that ignorance is willful. We live in a time where people choose to be ignorant, to be oblivious to their own plight, let alone to the plight of those who differ in race, creed, color or religion.

Money is not free speech, corporations are not people. I don’t claim to have originated that sentiment, but I believe it wholeheartedly and if you can reason, so should you (I guess that means the most recent Republican candidate for the presidency, Mitt Romney cannot reason, Q.E.D.).

I am and shall remain a man of my convictions. If I must die to defend what I believe in, so be it. There is no other way for me. Hypocrisy is the greatest and most intolerable of sins and cowardice its most common expression. I will endeavor to hide behind neither of these things.

And so I wear my T-shirt.

The Illuminati

I have always been fan of the most bizarre conspiracy theories: that aliens have been in contact with our government since as early as the Tunguska event or Roswell; that Freemasons, Rosicrucians, or the Bavarian Illuminati secretly run the world; that George H. W. Bush was describing the some sort of secretive star-chamber of sinister manipulators on a global scale when he used the term “new world order”; that Hitler escaped his final retribution and lives in a secret base in the “inner earth”– a world that exists inside our own, with the “inner light” of our world projected on a landscape inverted on the “inside” of a hollow planet; that JFK was killed by a cabal of communists, mafioso, CIA operatives and J. Edgar Hoover-fronted homosexuals bent on dominating the Earth… the list goes on interminably and insanely.

Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea wrote a truly excellent book called “Illuninatus” in the late 1960’s. It is written in the style of James Joyce’s “Ulysses” and “Finnegan’s Wake”: essentially writing a book onto a printed page (easy in pre-word-processor times, since everything was done on a typewriter) and then cutting it up paragraph by paragraph, throwing the scraps into a bucket, mixing it up and drawing each piece out one by one and recording it as the book in the order extracted. The book is called “Illuminatus” and it attempts to incorporate every conspiracy from the supposed rescue of Christ from the cross to John Dillinger’s death (and reported recovery) and display of his reportedly exceptionally large penis to “selected” guests at the FBI to the JFK and RFK assassinations to the ’68 Chicago riots into a description of the state of mankind and its readiness to accept an ascension into a new state of awareness.

It is a great book for the very reason that it destroys every mechanism used to describe the world as a victim of conspiracy. Conspiracies cannot exist.

One thing I’ve learned about the way that the world in my few years of living on it is that no conspiracy can last for long. By legal definition, a conspiracy is more than one person planning  and executing an illegal act for nefarious purposes. Consider the classic bank robbery: there is more than one person who plans and executes it. What makes such an felonious act fail when one or more of the perpetrators is caught? Somebody talks.

Somebody always talks. The hairless monkey, if he loves anything at all, loves to talk, to brag, to blabber, to boast. Talk makes the world go round, and nothing can stay secret for long if a hairless ape (that’s us) is involved, and the more shaved primates involved, the more the likely that they will chatter. Welcome to the human race– no one can keep their mouth shut for long.

“Good Fella’s” is one of my favorite movies because it demonstrates (with the “Lufthansa heist”) that sooner or later, living, breathing human beings are going to talk, so (as it turns out) the best way to keep them quiet is to eliminate the adjectives from that description: make them non-living, non-breathing human beings– dead.

My only conspiracy theory that I am able to accept regarding the JFK assassination is that “Guido” is dispatched to Dallas on November 22nd 1963. He waits behind wooden fence above the grassy knoll to assist the “fall-guy” Lee Harvey Oswald. He greases the president and returns to Chicago or New York expecting a slap on the back, while LHO kills J. D. Tippett on the run to be later arrested at the Texas Theater (at which I saw film in the 1980’s and minorly freaked when my friend David Platzer reminded me was where he was caught). At the airport “Guido” is met by “Gianni” and “Rocko” who were sent by the “boss” to pick up and because he “ratted”– an unforgivable sin in mob terms. “Gianni” and “Rocko” aren’t bright enough to know anything about “Guido’s” connection to Dallas (he keeps his mouth shut just long enough to die). Later, “Rocko” and “Gianni” meet the same fate at the “boss’s” orders. Nice and neat– all the people aware of the conspiracy besides the “boss” are dead.

This is the only way that a conspiracy is preserved: everybody but one person is dead, and it’s even better if he or she is dead, too.

Loose lips sink ships.

The fewer living lips that can talk the better– thus the conspiracy survives.

There is no fucking way that the freemasons, the Rosicrucians, the Trilateral Commission, the Mormons, the whatever can be secretly running the world. Why? Secret handshakes or not, more people equals more flapping mouths and more chances the conspiracy will fall apart.

The next time you hear some Obama-hater (read “nigger-hater”, because that is all that they are) talking about the imagined socialist conspiracy, remind them that they are racists that are out of their minds. Their imagined nefarious plots out to “destroy ‘merka” are impossible because those activities involve more than one person to execute and will never be able to be kept secret for 20 seconds.

Historically, the Illuminati or “Illuminated ones” were thought of as some beings, whether human or otherwise (aliens? Atlantians? Lemurians? Republicans?), that control the world with absolute authority and capability. Such a group is an impossibility as long as human beings are involved, Q.E.D.

Humans are blabby, ergo no super-secret organizations involving them can exist.

So who or what are the Illuminati? The “Illuminated ones”, the folks who supposedly know what is really going on?

In the process of destroying the myth of the Illuminati or the masters of all conspiracy in the world, Wilson and Shea spent a lot of time in their truly mythic and voluminous book to describe the process of illumination: seeing the world as it truly is, not as an illusion.

If someone were to ask me what I wanted of life when I was 20 or 30, I would have said “happiness” (whatever the fuck that is).

What I want most of all now is enlightenment— to see everything as it really is. To be, by the classic definition of illumination, one of the Illuminati. I don’t want to conquer or control the world, I want to see and experience it as it truly is, without illusion.

To be enlightened is painful, lonely and frightening. It is easy to accept a commercial for a new car on face value and to desire the product offers– to accept its definition of the buyer as a superior person as refinement and ultimate life satisfaction. It’s painful and lonely to recognize the advertisement as a complete sham, its message as an utter falsehood.

It’s frightening to know that all appeals to our purchasing power, to our professional sports team loyalty, our protective instincts regarding our children are manipulations of our base needs.

None of the things we are implored to buy, none of the political loyalties we express in the voting booth, none of the sports we watch, the things we buy, the activities we are socially pressured into performing are genuine, and that is terrifying.

Illusion is everywhere. It is offered in a panoply of disguises we accept with dull acquiescence. To quote Wilson in his later books: “all that is is metaphor.”

Now, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and say that far beyond the social illusion and game-playing that is done to get us to buy things and vote a certain way, there is the illusion we accept at the level of what we call “reality”.

We only know that which our senses (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting and smelling) can perceive. What exists beyond those perceptions? What about the state of reality at the quantum level?

What is real?

That is what I want to know. I have always been somewhat of an oddball because I have always asked that question. I have often been mocked by friends who are stuck in the paradigm of the day-to-day. What is real? What is an illusion?

I have chosen to be  enlightened as opposed to benighted, and for that I will never be normal.

Who the fuck wants to be normal?

I only wish that people were smart enough to control things on a global scale; but I’m afraid we are far too stupid to do so at this point in our development. We are still working on mastering cleverness, and it will be a while before we are prepared to tackle intelligence.