Tag Archives: asshole

Asshole in Chief

In honor of the inauguration of our 45th president:

Once the organs had a disagreement as to who was in charge in the human body.

“I am the leader,” said the heart. “I pump the blood that feeds all the organs. Without me, you’d all starve and drown in your own waste.”

“And who filters all that waste to clean the blood?” The kidneys asked. “We do, so I guess that makes us the leader.”

“Not so fast,” said a lung. “Every one of you need the oxygen I and my twin supply and need to get rid of the carbon dioxide they produce. You’d all smother without me.”

The brain said, “obviously I am the rightful leader of the body. I make all the decisions, consciously and unconsciously: what and when to eat and drink, when to sleep, I even make the heart beat and the lungs breath.”

And so the arguments went on with each organ, muscle and bone making its case with no clear argument being made to distinguish who was the ultimate leader.

Finally having worked up the courage to throw his voice into the din, the asshole meekly chimed in. “I’m the leader,” he said.

The other organs stopped their bickering ans started to laugh.


“Are you kidding me?”

“That’s a laugh!”

“The asshole, the leader!”

The asshole grew angry at their chiding and said, “I’ll show you! I’ll just plug up and we’ll see what you think then.”

So, the asshole tightened up and refused to pass anything solid, liquid or even gaseous.

After three days, the heart grew sluggish, the lungs caught on each breath, the brain could hardly think, the kidneys could not filter anything, the whole body was on the verge of immanent collapse.

“We give up,” they all said in one voice. “You are the leader.”

And so it was that the asshole (and often the largest one) was always in charge.